Today, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. My pregnancy was what really did me in. I’m 9 months postpartum and weighing in at 242 at 5’6. At most, I usually hovered around 198. I have to do something now or else I will end up in a far worse position mentally and physically, and it’ll feel a lot more impossible to accomplish if I can’t even get out of bed.
I have a long history with depression. The “I just want to find a dark cave, lay down and die” kind of depression. This year is the first year I can say I am hopeful for life, and I am a genuinely happier person than I’ve been since my early teen years. I have a beautiful family and my life is finally calm. So naturally, I’d like a healthy body and lifestyle to reflect my healthier mindset. Especially for my daughters sake. My mother was 380lbs and got gastric bypass just as soon as it was available to the public. She struggled for years, fluctuating in weight even after her surgery (still never getting nearly as large as before). She always told me that postpartum depression and pregnancy was what kick started her major weight gains.
I don’t want that future for myself, and I don’t want that for my daughter. I’ve struggled immensely with childhood (really, lifetime) obesity, my own weight has fluctuated drastically. At one point, I was 130lbs at 9 years old. Then at 15 I was maybe 140lbs. Then at 17, 180lbs. From anywhere between 115-242 lbs, my body has been through a lot. I struggle with using food as an emotional crutch, and I have sever sugar cravings. I’m in therapy currently addressing these issues, so I’m really wanting to just get passed this. This is the single thing in my life I have not been able to overcome, and that has held me back from so much in life that I feel like I haven’t even lived yet. I’m tired. I want to be a person that is healthy and happy. I am currently neither. I’ve been slowly working through this and paying attention to what I’m eating and what I should be eating for the last two months and while I’m still very ignorant of nutrition and exercise, I know diet is the most important factor and I know how to track calories lol.
I’m not sure there’s much point to this post except to put myself out there and hold myself accountable. I do not discuss my weight with anyone in my life. I’m obviously obese, but no one will ever acknowledge it. It an unspoken plague and I just need a place to say “hey I’m actually fat and need to talk about it” and then do something about it. If anyone would like to share how much their life has changed since they decided to get healthier, give any helpful tips that they’ve discovered (I definitely need advice on curbing sugar cravings!) or really any other encouragement, it’s all welcome and appreciated! Z
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