There. I said it. I am trying to be grateful for what a temple it is and how it does everything to keep me alive. I am grateful for my limbs and my spine. I grateful for it all, really. I just.. I'm sitting at a new high weight. I'm a 5'0 20 y/o female, I was around 152 lbs, got down to 136 lbs through CICO and exercise. I felt great. One day I ended up binging and it made a mess of me. A year later, I'm now 170 lbs.
It's just so difficult to even try at this point. Not to say I give up completely. But ffs, I feel more tired and heavier everyday. At 20, I should be running up and down and be excited about life and making something of myself. I feel ugly and disgusting. Usually I'm the one who's telling people not to talk of themselves like that but I just need to rant. I've never quite experienced social anxiety quite like this before gaining even more weight. I'm love to go out but I've become so use to staying in because I can't be bothered to wear something to hide my body. When I do go out, I'm constantly fix my clothes and try to look as relaxed as I can. But I know my bra strap is digging into my back and my leggings are starting to roll off my love handles. Tbh I don't look fat. But I manage to hide my weight really well under what I wear. I'm tired of it all.
It's just become really difficult. I don't struggle with an eating disorder but do deal with my fair share of disordered eating and thoughts sometimes.. But I've been working on that heavily. Right now I'm just trying not to overeat and eat less processed shit.
Everything's just annoying me because this time last year I could track my calories, feel phsyically and mentally satiated with the amount I was eating and exercise because I enjoyed it. Now the idea of doing that puts me off so much when once it because a habit. I just feel shitty about myself today.
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