Physically/mentally exhausted of letting myself down.

Title pretty much says it all. I'm a 21yr old male, 5'9" entering the ring at ≈300ibs.

I need help. I have an unhealthy relationship with my food, and commitment issues with maintaining a workout routine. I promise my body every day that I'll do everything I can to fix it. These are empty promises that never seem to bloom into fruition.

In terms of diet I try not to look at it like a massive restriction. CICO is a concept that makes sense to me. While my dieting app states I need roughly 2400kcal/daily to lose ≈2ibs/week. I never reach that caloric goal, I'm actually always playing with a deficit of 400 to 600 calories. That alone makes me feel like I'm starving myself, or my meals just lack a massive amount of nutrtients. Now just to clarify, I don't like the idea of a large caloric deficit, but I physically cannot force so much "healthy" food into my body daily. But unhealthy food, oh boy I can easily make space for that. My relationship with my food has gotten so out of control that sometimes I'll just eat or buy unhealthy foods without realizing I'm breaking my health streak, it's so mindless. I can't eat breakfast without thinking about what I'm eating for lunch, or dinner. But here is the catch, at night I become a ravenous, bindge eating monster that would make Kirby hide in the shadows with the fear that I'd absorb it. At night things get weird. My inhibitions are forced out the window as I look to my fridge and completely destroy the cold cuts, sweets, fucking anything. Everything at night is fair game, if I can drive to get it, or microwave it, or sandwich it, it's go time. All my credit card debt is from food. Roughly 2,000 dollars of it. That's not including the 5,000+ I've paid off. I don't mean to be dramatic but I want to cry every single day. To give you an idea I quit smoking cigarettes 20 days ago without a single issue. But I can't go a minute without thinking about my need caloric fix.

Right now food controls me. It's horrific, it's debilitating. I'm 21 and should be in the prime of my health.

[Side note] In terms of working out, I feel that it is pointless if my diet is poor. I'm a strong believer in dieting being 90% of the process to lose weight. If I can get my eating under control then I know I'll be able to workout, completing the loop.

submitted by /u/Swoozie97
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