Well, that's almost true. I'm not happy with my weight, and I'm not overjoyed about where I am physically. But for the first time in... years, I have a realistic and healthy look at weight and food and exercise.
I'm a 26 F, 5'8, currently weighing in at 182 lbs. That's the heaviest I've ever been, and for the past 1.5 years I've been on a steady upward trajectory. Which means that if I continue as I've been doing for a while now, I'm heading toward obesity. But I'm still not the unhealthiest I've ever been.
Two years ago I took this photo with the intent on it being my "before photo". I weighed about 148 there - and I was certain that I was fat. I hated how I looked. Hated it. I hated wearing anything revealing, and I hated being naked in front of another person because I found myself repulsive. I was dead set on losing 20 lbs, or any weight that could bring me as close to a BMI that was "almost underweight". Because as long as I'm not underweight it's not unhealthy, right? /s
I was an idiot. An idiot who started a juice-cleanse, followed by what I think was called a "water diet"? The dumbest of dumbs, and I was basically starving myself. And we all know how that works, as soon as you start eating again you gain it back, and then some.
Now I'm not going to lie, I don't hate myself for gaining the weight that I have. Mainly because a lot of the weight was gained post a very traumatic event, both as a (unhealthy) coping mechanism, but also because I could not be bothered to care about what I ate. I was ruined and I needed to heal in a different way. That's fine, I'm not mad about it. And that thought, about not being mad at myself for gaining weight, makes me realize how far I've come from the starving girl. How healthy I finally am, mentally.
And I'm not sure if that's a NSV, but... I feel like it is. Today I stepped on the scale for the first time in over a month, not feeling depressed, having nursed my leg for a few months after having sciatica problems, and not hating my body. Yes, overweight. Yes, heavier than I've ever been. But I don't hate my body. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to starve and hurt my body to do so. I truly feel mentally healthy.
I am marking this as my day one. Wish me luck!
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