Okay, so I really thought not to post at all because some of the things I did during my weight loss journey I’m starting to recognize as playing with fire. And of course that isn’t something I’d advocate to other teens, strangers, anyone. However I think it’s it’s important that I at least acknowledge my mistakes in a public fashion, point out things I did to make sure I wouldn’t truly screw myself, and hopefully someone will learn from me. frankly I’d be honored if any of you guys read all of this, It’s a lot. I’ll try to separate out this post into subtitles that would help those that just want to see specific sections.
I’ve been a lurker for a while now and I might as well give back to the community I have taken so much from. Also I’m sorry I don’t have actual body progress pics, because I know that’s what people like about these posts. I’m still a minor, and still trying to keep this account kinda private. so with that out of the way, Stats!
F17 5’5’’ (165 cm) SW: 200 lb (90.71 kg) CW: 149 lb (67.58 kg) GW:130 lb (58.96 kg)
From August 2018 to now, I’ve lost around 51 lbs (23.1 kg)
http://imgur.com/a/OVxusfM
Backstory
So I’m part of the faction who, for as long as they could remember, they’ve been overweight. I remember being shamed for it way back in elementary school - but in terms of school, I think elementary school was the only time I was ever really made to feel ashamed for my weight little shits . The only other times was my dad and his side of the family. type two diabetes runs wild there, so at a young age my dad berated my eating habits.
Yeah, uh, a little side note here: I don’t know how to convince your daughter to lose weight, but here’s how not to do it.
From at least ages 9-15 expressing any type of sustained enthusiasm or preference for a food got me criticized. If not at the table, he would tell me later that “pasta/rice/bread/ketchup/mayo/mashed potatoes/chicken/apple cider vinegar on salads is why you’re fat - stop eating it.” I loathed every second of it, especially when i’d be singled out for eating my favorite foods when my siblings were doing the same. That, combined with the insistence of my relatives that “I’d be prettier/be more desirable If I lost weight” made me feel a bit defiant in a way and -- and a bit helpless. I hated the idea that everyone saw me as something that needed to be fixed.
I did want to be thin then, I wanted to be fixed, I wanted to be just as pretty as my sisters. but I had no idea how to do it, and their ‘encouragements’ weren't exactly convincing me, gluttonous monstrosity that I was, that I could even dream of the ‘discipline’ required. My Dad would also go on fad diets now and then that, of course, would never work, and that also cemented my idea that weight loss was a herculean task that a mere mortal like me couldn’t fathom until I was at least an adult that had more control of the food I was around.
I had gone up to 183 lbs (83 kg) and I basically thought of 183 lbs as my standard weight, but I never weighed myself. In 2017, I was put upon a scale for drivers ed, and I was sickened to find out I had risen to 192 lbs (87 kg) I felt horrible about it, but still felt that I had no control over my weight. In my mind I was eating the same food as my siblings, I didn’t really grasp the idea of calories or portions.
That changed over last summer, when I got invited for a tech internship at the local university for a really cool project on ocean discovery. We weren’t paid, but we got a card to eat around campus for lunch.
I think you know where this is headed.
I abused the hell out of it, got panda express nearly everyday, and still ate dinner with my family afterwards. Frankly I don’t have much regrets, free Chinese food is free Chinese food. But when I got on the scale after the internship was done I had gone up to 200 . 200 seemed to be my mental limit and I just couldn’t let myself be that overweight (at that point, my BMI put me in the obese range), and unlike when I got to 192 lbs, I knew why I had gotten bigger. I also no longer had access to free food, so I felt uniquely prepared for the challenge of fixing my eating habits (lol).
Starting Out
I’m going to tell you right now, what I remember from early August to December, when I started was that it really was hard in the beginning. You see, I wanted to lose weight in secret, I didn’t (and still don’t) trust my dad with my health. I knew that if my dad found out I would be instantly be put on whatever fad diet he was on and everything I would do, my goals, and what I ate would be blasted to literally everyone he knew, which apparently includes the entire East Coast and Northern Africa. Privacy and boundaries aren't words ‘round these parts .
Of course that meant that I couldn’t ask to see a doctor (my dad doesn't trust doctors and think that they are a waste of money too, so there is that as well) or ask for a food scale.
Listen, I really don’t recommend this approach. I should have lied or something to get a food scale (‘its for a project, I swear’) I don’t think there was any I could have seen a doctor, but If you can please do. The most frustrating thing about my entire fiasco was that my dad and aunt (both capable adults) were ignoring my denials of conscious weight loss from December to just about two weeks ago when they were cornering me about it (lies, but so am I at this point) and pointedly ignored my insistence that they see a doctor/ dietitian. I know It’s hypocritical to ask this of y’all, but please, it takes care of a lot of problems when you get advice from someone who actually knows what they are talking about.
I did have some checks on myself and it’s probably the only reason why my relationship with food isn’t as messed up as it should be, what with my medically questionable methods. I had an almost borderline irrational fear of having an eating disorder (I know, I know, the irony is real) but because of it I was dedicated to the 1200 minimum for women (I wasn’t aware of the 1600 minimum for teens, again, another mistake), I felt that no matter what I did I COULD NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES eat below 1200 a day. In fact, the way I used myfitnesspal was that I had an established minimum of about 1230 ish and I would log everything I ate as accurately as I could without a food scale (1230 was what was recommended by myfitnesspal and https://www.sailrabbit.com/bmr/ to lose 1.5 pounds a week). My logic was that since most people overestimate eyeballing food, if I eyeballed 1230 I would hit the 1200 minimum for sure and eat a bit more calories and still be at a deficit. I was aiming for 1 lbs a week, so I was kind of hoping that eyeballing would make me eat around 1400 cals a day.
Again, - I don’t fucking recommend this - if I’d have been a little smarter about it what I probably should have done was eaten at a minimum of 1700 cals for 4 months consistently and see whether or not I lost weight, if not lowering by 100 cals and tracking again for 4 months etc. that would have given me an idea of my true TDEE and would have at least been a bit safer. (If I was actually smart I would be able to convince my dad to let me see a doctor alone for a ‘private -reason-that-needs-to-remain-confidential-but-still-isn’t-a-big-deal,-don’t-ask-me-about-it’ but hey, we can’t all have a silver tongue)
There is another component to this, eating a minimum of 1230 ish a day ment that on most days I was logging about 1250-1350 a day, remember a guesstimate. The way I had structured this was that I’d eat an approximately 6xx cal lunch and 6xx cal dinner (I’ve never eaten breakfast ever, even when I was bigger). If I ate more I’d always console myself with - “well you’re still probably at a deficit, you still made progress - you didn’t even wipe off a day” which was definitely a good mentality to have throughout the process. Likewise the scale our family has is an old ass fossilized goodwill relic from the 90s that isn’t digital and makes your weight vary depending on which leg you lean on (it’s the scale in the pic above). I thought this scale was going to be a chip on my shoulder, but it really helped me not focus too much on the number. I mainly payed attention to 5lb markers so extra water weight, plateaus, food I ate, etc. didn’t stress me out as much as it might have if my scale was fully functioning. Also another unexpected win.
Negatives that I’ve found was a lot to do with still being in school. Since I participate in robotics and I would sometimes be at school from 8 am to 7-8 pm. (robotics build season is also on top of Fencing season. My exercise of choice, that I don’t do as often as I should). That ment from noon till 7 I wouldn’t have food on hand to eat, or money to buy food with. Poor choice, since on those days my TDEE would be a lot higher then on days in the weekend when I’m in bed all day (and -- no shit -- have a much easier time sticking to 1230 -1350. Fucking magic /s)
Likewise, being hungry at around 4-7 is a great way to feel sluggish during homework and after school clubs. Eat enough guys.
Fixing Your own Bad Habits Should be your Goal.
Something that I’ve really noticed, and had found out as I was losing weight is that I had bad eating habits. After all, If I truly ate like my sisters, I would have looked like my sisters. It's something that I feels isn’t represented in so many weight loss advice articles were there first advice is “stop drinking soda, and quit fast food!!!” Your extra pounds might not have been caused by those specific habits, but other ones that you need to target. For an example, I hardly ever drink soda. Even when I was big I avoided it, but I drank an embarrassingly shit ton of milk. It became an inside joke in my family how much I drank milk. As r/gainit has found out , it is an excellent source of extra calories if you are trying to bulk, but I didn’t exercise much so of course it became fat on me. I realized when counting calories that when I craved milk and drank water instead, Instantly the cravings would go away, I just preferred milk because it was always cold and always refrigerated. Once I understood that It was an easy habit to nix.
Another thing that was a problem for me binging when I got home from school/ or at dinner. My lunches were very bare bones as my mom would make them super early in the morning before school. No shade to my mom, she did what she could for me, but when you only eat 400 calories from 6:30 am till 4-5 pm your going to eat anything and everything when you get home. I was in the habit of binging the night before so I wouldn’t be hungry during school the next day. Making my own lunches meant I had more to eat at school and made sure I wasn’t in a constant unintentional deprivation - binging cycle.
Sometimes I would just overeat anyway in the afternoon even when I had a proper lunch and for that what I’ve found useful is tracking why I binged. I needed to keep track of triggers I could avoid to minimize my bad habits. I found out I binged when I was: over stressed with homework I procrastinated on, there was special food in the house (birthday, holiday, etc), and there was a certain type of food (chocolate, chips, etc) that I knew would disappear quickly if I didn’t have some right now. Each of these I had to find a different ways to cope with, because I couldn’t completely get rid of my triggers, or avoid all unhealthy option that appears before me - but just recognizing that the reason I wanted to eat wasn’t hunger based helped me avoid them.
By January I had lost some weight at a rate of about 1.6 lbs a week. It was not above the danger level of 2 lbs a week, but remember, my goal was 1 lb a week. I realized at that point that I was doing something wrong, either my TDEE was higher than I thought, or I was way better at calorie counting than I thought - either way I needed to eat more. I tried to put my minimum at 1500, but I felt physically terrible afterwards. when you are used to packing a certain amount and eating a certain amount at a certain time changing on the fly is hard. so I’m started back again, trying to eat more in that 4-7 pm window but not setting myself a hard limit. That is where I am at the moment. I’m still trying to lose that 19-20 extra lbs but I still noticed some
Unexpected Things
I made the conscious decision not to take any body pictures. Other people in my family sometimes use my phone and a pic of my flabby ass on the camera roll is going to be really hard to explain away. The only picture I have of myself in a higher weight is my senior pictures, where I am, of course, fully clothed in my traditional baggy attire and I’m planning to maybe burn before anyone remembers they exist. As a consequence I still feel fat in a way, even though I am at the lowest weight since - 5th grade? 4th grade? (I remember in middle school being weighed at 164 lbs (74.3 kg) so at least since elementary school). I have finally reached the top end of a healthy BMI, and It nearly feels like I haven’t changed at all. I still got stomach rolls, I still got grandma flaps, I just have to keep in mind that there are not nearly as bad as they used to be. I have to remember that I’ve made progress, that in the midst of an obesity epidemic, in the abyss of cheap fast food and comfort meals, I’ve wrestled back a jawline.
I can cross my legs now, running doesn’t sound as hell now, most of the changes I’ve experienced are small and inconsequential, which leads me to the next topic -
Losing Weight Won’t Fix your Spiraling Sense of Self-Worth. Especially When You’re No Longer Using Food as a Mental Crutch.
Yeah, ya girl got her her admissions letters back (my face when good engineering schools reject my calculus failing ass) so this has definitely been a huge weight on my mind.
So obviously I didn’t think weight loss was going to solve all of my problems, but I was so so relieved when I realized that I could control my weight. Remember that part in that old movie Princess Diaries where Mia looks in the mirror, sighs, and says something along the lines of “well this is as good as it’s going to get”? I felt that way for the longest time. I’d browse this subreddit bitterly because most people here can do whatever they want. It must be nice to just ‘buy’ a food scale, and just ‘go see’ a doctor, and just ‘join’ a gym. It must be nice to buy well fitted bras, or go to a thrift shop to buy dresses and shorts. Walk wherever - present yourself however you like. I’m seventeen, and don’t have the freedom or cash for that. But finding out that I could lose weight with what I had (phone, r/loseit, walking during lunch, etc) felt like one thing in my life that I could fix, something that I didn’t have to wait until I was 25 for. There was finally something I can do to look more like myself.
Of course, CICO works, I physically have less weight on me, but it isn’t Jesus. I just have broader shoulders than my sisters, I just have no hips. Your always going to find something wrong with yourself. -- after all, thin people have body image issues too! I don’t have much advice for you guys with this one, It’s just something that I’ve noted, despairingly, many times.
Communities are Genuinely Important. Don’t be Me
r/loseit has meant a lot to me, as a group that I don’t have my actual day to day life, as a touchstone to things that I was doing that weren’t healthy, for questions that I had. You don’t know how many people you are effecting when you write all your NSV and your onderland posts.
I regret being a lurker for so long -- whether I felt like I had nothing of value to contribute or feeling that a lot of these posts and situations don’t apply to me. There is nothing harder than struggling and fighting your demons alone. I browsed and read a lot of posts on this sub, and after all those weeks and all those months I really wished I had responded to some, ESPECIALLY to all those posts of people with frighteningly similar stats and backgrounds as me. The same height, or age, or SW, or GW, making the same mistakes, in the same situations. So I want to mention the last post of that nature, by u/StarryEyedConfidence. This one. I can’t go back and ping all of the users that I shouldn’t have ignored, but that one was the one I saved before writing this.
Thanks r/loseit.
edit : formatting
