Really feel like I’m about to lose it right now.
I decided to travel for the holidays and stay with a family member that I have a decent relationship with but is honestly emotionally abusive. Staying with her for even a few days drives me crazy and is beyond emotionally exhausting and taxing. Literally the only reason I decided to not cancel my trip and put up with her abuse is because of the food.
I’m a vegan so the options are still limited even in a large city where I live or the city I’m visiting now. I got to go to one place. Saturday is my treat day. I was planning on going to a bakery today to pick up some vegan pastries which are quite hard to come by, partially my fault but I didn’t realize they closed early Fridays and even though I would have been there an hour before closing they were already sold out. That really really bummed me out because I have been waiting in anticipation to try to this place for months (Literally for 8 months maybe longer). I also didn’t buy any cookies or cakes for treat day like I usually do because I thought I would get it at the bakery.
Then to top it off, she won’t even be leaving the house tomorrow because the weather is going to be bad. So whatever food I order (which is also from one of my favorite places that I’ve been waiting to get since I last visited) I won’t be able to enjoy and eat in peace because she’ll be hovering over my neck and commenting on the portion sizes (even though she’s no stick) and asking to try some. I just hate it.
I also brought a homemade vegan pastry I baked that is quite difficult to make and not available to purchase anywhere (trust me I looked). I brought several portions with me expecting that we would each have some, except she ate all of it, despite me asking her to save some.
Then just an hour ago she saw a picture of me and a friend and couldn’t stop talking about how drop dead gorgeous my friend was and this made me feel horrible about myself even though I’m usually pretty confident about myself especially after losing 25 pounds.
So after finishing a difficult semester and taking exams, risking Covid (cases are spiking here) not being able to go to the gym because I don’t want to catch Covid, having to run outside in the freezing cold and among crowds instead of a treadmill at home, I don’t have a single pastry to eat on my treat day. I’m just super bummed. Yes I do count and exercise to be healthy, but looking forward to treats is a huge motivator for me. I feel like people who eat whatever they want whenever they want don’t understand the sacrifice and the anticipation of counting and exercising and treat days/meals. Maybe you guys can relate.
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