I’m at my heaviest and this is probably my worst and longest stint of binge eating. I’ve managed to get all this way without getting any stretch marks on my stomach (well done me for just getting fat a bit slower I guess) but I now have my first fresh one.
I carry my weight very evenly which means I’m fat all over and it’s always noticeable on my face when I gain and I’m ready to throw hands at myself every day I look in the mirror. I hate the way that I look so much now and I used to be so confident!! Now I won’t even get into bed with my partner in just my undies, I always have to wear some kind of pyjamas or giant t shirt to feel comfortable.
For a plethora of reasons I think I might have ADHD and this was also suggested on the last post I made here. I finally spoke to the doctor about it so I’m now on a 6 months wait list to get assessed but of course it could end up that I either don’t have it or I do and they or I decide medication is not the route to take. So what do I do?
I cannot for the life of me build a good habit. I don’t HATE the gym but I don’t enjoy it, I don’t feel good after I work out and I have no motivation to go. I have no motivation to workout at home (I have a walking under desk treadmill from when I was home working and I bought ringfit in the hopes I would be more willing to do that). I like working out the calories of meals, I like doing a food plan for the week. I’m ready to conquer the world on Sunday evening then I get into work and I feel compelled to binge. I feel compelled to binge 24/7. I could do a food plan with meals I really enjoy and then it’ll get to the day and the thought of eating them makes me gag.
I’ve done it before! I lost like a stone and a half before when I was lighter and I was feeling so much happier. Now I’ve gained 3 stone. I could stick to a diet for 2 weeks and go to the gym consistently and then fall right off the wagon. I’ve tried not having yummy things in my flat, I’ve tried allowing myself to have the yummy things so I don’t feel like they’re special anymore. I’ve tried ignoring calorie counting and just reducing my portions slightly/trying not to snack as much between meals/snack but just have healthy ones I enjoy
And here I am nearly 230lbs, I’m just about ready to walk into traffic at this point because I feel so stupid. Just don’t eat all the food!!! And I can’t even do that!! God damn man, what is it going to take for this switch to flip in my head before I actually do something and stick to it
Anyway thanks for reading I’m just going to go scream into my pillow now
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