I've been a lurker here for about 6 months or so and I just kind of wanted to share my story in hopes that it keeps me motivated or even helps someone else. I am restarting my weight loss journey again to finally reach my goal. This will probably be quite long, so I apologize but if you're in the mood to read an essay, stick around.
I have struggled with my weight for a long time now. When I was young, I was small. I did not eat healthy foods (I'm from the southern US lol), but I was active. I played a lot of sports so this helped me stay relatively fit. However, when I was 18, My now ex husband and I got into a MVA with an 18 wheeler that would change my life as I knew it. I was also pregnant at the time which definitely made things worse, weight wise. He was perfectly fine, but I had broken both arms in several places, crushed my ankle and foot, and had severe nerve damage causing me not to be able to move my hands. I felt very helpless. I gained maybe 60-70 pounds due to this and being pregnant. I was in a wheelchair for over a year and this lack of mobility or being able to be active at all just made me pile on even more weight after I had my daughter. After many surgeries and PT, I got the use of my hands back and I began trying to walk again. I graduated to a special walker, regular walker, and then crutches until I could walk on my own. But now....walking hurt because of my ankle. I became very sedentary. Almost 2 years later, my only sister died in a car accident. She was 16. This completely destroyed me to say the least. I quit college and went into a deep depression and I turned to food for comfort. As you can imagine, I became bigger. It took me years to even want to do anything.
Fast forwarding through a college degree (2015) and a divorce (2017) later...I was still very unhappy with myself and the way I looked but also how I felt. My leg hurt a lot to walk and I knew this was not only because of the previous injury but because I had put on so much weight that I had too much to carry around. My back actually started hurting more than my ankle did. It would get so bad that the skin on my lower back would go numb and tingly. I was in agony when I stood more than 5-10 min. It was on September 10, 2019 that I had decided I had had enough. I remember getting off work that morning and texting my mom, sobbing, that I can't live like this anymore. I was about 315 pounds standing at 5'1. I had done some research and decided that CICO made the most sense to me. It was simple math. I could do that. I don't know what came over me, but my mind had completely changed and I had this amazing willpower and motivation. At that time, food was only energy. Not to be enjoyed. I had enjoyed food for years and years. I was on a very extremely low calorie diet. 1000 calories a day, most of the time it was less. (This will catch up with me...in a bad way.) I ate the same meals every single day. Mostly scrambled eggs and strawberries for breakfast, hard boiled eggs and tomatoes and cucumbers for lunch, and 6oz of shrimp or chicken with more tomatoes and cucumbers for dinner. That was it. I knew I had to see results quickly or else I was going to get discouraged and quit. And boy did I start dropping weight fast, despite being diagnosed with PCOS. When I got down to about 280, I could walk a lot more and the pain had lessened a LOT. I told myself when I got to 250, I would try to go to the gym for a couple days a week. So I did. I walked on the treadmill for 30 mins, twice a week. I got smaller and smaller and I made it all the way down to 204.2 pounds on April 3rd. I had lost over 100 pounds in 6 months. I was so proud of myself. However, 2020 hit me very hard mentally thanks to COVID. I worked in a large hospital lab. My job (Medical Laboratory Scientist) is to analyze patient's samples, anything from blood slides, chemistry tests, blood bank. I do it all. That also includes COVID samples. At first, everything was closed and it was very slow. We got sent home a lot for low census. I was bored and....I started cheating on my diet. Nothing too bad. Just some snacks or a meal or so. I had not realized that I just opened the flood gates by doing this. I had been restricting myself too much. Then the pandemic got worse and worse. Hundreds and hundreds of COVID specimens needed to be analyzed every day and it was just pure chaos. Add that on to the fact that the place I worked was already toxic, and it was too much and my depression took over. I went back to my old coping mechanism and started binge eating. This time was even worse, because I was starved for those foods I had so strictly given up, along with the almost 1000 calories a day I was eating. From April 2020 to May 2021 I had gained 137 pounds in a year. I was now at my heaviest at 341.
Since then, I have been up and down again and again, because I was going back to the old ways. I had had so much success the first time, surely I could do it again. Idk why, but my motivation and will power were gone. I think it was because I was SO disappointed in myself that I lost that much weight and then gained it all back plus some. 2021 and 2022 I lost a bit and got back down to the 270, but I would always fall off the wagon and go back to the 290s. I knew this was not the answer and I was doing something wrong. So, I did more research and realized that I didn't have to cut out everything I loved. I just had to be smart about my choices. But a big thing was I was also happier. I met a guy on a video game who helped me more than I think he will ever know. I started slowly healing. I quit my toxic job that made me miserable and stressed and became a travel MLS. I make 4 times what I did at my previous job. All my stress of living paycheck to paycheck was gone. But the thing that really made me want to stick to it this time was that I know my bf is going to propose and I did not want to look back at the photos of our wedding and be sad or disgusted (I have very low self esteem because of my weight) with the way I look. I realized that I wanted to be a pretty bride. As I type this out I know that sounds so superficial, but that is at least where it started. I also realized that I can travel now. I'm currently in WA (my bf's state) and it's SO beautiful here. I want to hike and take photos of the mountains and lakes that I drive by on my way to work. I can't do that as an obese person. It's too hard. I also want to do it for my health. I've checked my labs from time to time and to my surprise they have always been perfect. However, I've never deluded myself into thinking that I'm "healthy," They are normal....for now and if I don't do something about it, they will get worse and I will develop more serious health issues.
On April 16, 2023 at 286.4 pounds, I started what I am determined to be my last attempt to lose the weight and live my life to the fullest. I do still want to lose it quickly (Don't we all?) but I know it won't be over night. I've set my calories to about 1200-1400 a day. I'm still very sedentary, but I will up the calories once I start exercising. I am eating meals that I like, with low calorie substitutions and honestly this time around it feels so easy. I've easily made pizzas, chicken wraps, quesadillas, etc that were 400 calories. (Tiktok has helped a lot with recipes) I ALWAYS feel full after my meals and I have a snack at night. I am also seeing a doctor to monitor my progress and make sure I'm making the right choices and not undereating. I have set small goals at first. My first one is 250. As of today I have lost 21 pounds, so I'm almost at that goal. As I mentioned earlier, I'm 5'1" (35 years old) so my final goal is to weigh between 120 and 130 by Sept 9th, 2024, the date we want to get married. That seems like a reasonable and realistic goal to me, as long as I stick with it. I want to add in cardio and weight training when I feel like I can handle it. This time feels like the time I'm going to succeed. I just...feel it. I want it bad enough. If I get discouraged (I know it's coming eventually) I've noticed that reading other people's stories and seeing before and afters of people have been so inspirational for me. They make me feel like I can do it too. So thank you all who have shared your journey on this thread. It does help. If you made it all the way to the bottom of this, congratulations. Lol Thank you for taking the time to read my story and if you have any tips or advice that you think I would benefit from, I would greatly appreciate it.
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