The body pictures aren’t of me at my highest weight. I didn’t want to post that in Imgur because they’re a bunch of assholes. I only uploaded there so I could post here... but damn! Anyway, here’s the goods:
https://imgur.com/gallery/2Cj1dns
Long post.... not expecting anyone to read this whole thing, but I’ve been thinking about doing this for a looong time. If this post can help even one person on their weight loss journey, I’d be happy!!! If not, oh well, this was cathartic lol.
I have struggled with my weight for 25 years. I’m 31, so that means I had a glorious 6 years of life where I wasn’t concerned about how fat I was. I was 6 and in kindergarten the first time a kid called me fat. I went home and cried after school almost every day because it became a constant thing from 2 particular girls in my class. Fast forward to the summer between 8th grade and freshman year of high school. I became anorexic and stopped eating except for a few pieces of lunch meat and maybe a slice of cheese. I lost so much weight, a few of my classmates didn’t recognize me. I spent my high school years believing I was a fat cow, even though I look back at my high school pictures and can’t BELIEVE how skinny I was (5’7 about 160 to 170 which for my frame looked good).
Fast forward to college. I met a guy who was 2 years older than me... charming, funny, quite heavy himself. I was still in pretty good shape. But then the abuse began. As I became more depressed, I ate and drank and I gained and I gained and I gained. The more I gained, the more I hated myself. People around me were nicely trying to make suggestions. I wouldn’t hear of it. I made excuses like “I can’t because I have no will power,” “I tried but nothing works,” “I don’t look THAT bad” or whatever else I came up with. I ate when bad or sad things happened to try to make myself feel better, I ate when my boyfriend yelled at me, I ate when great things happened, i ate as a reward for something I did, I ate when I was bored. Basically, I was always eating.
5 years of that shitty relationship and 1 restraining order later, I was free of the asshole and moved north to Boston. I was so ecstatic to be in a new state for a fresh start, but I was so angry at myself for letting myself get that way. I decided to forget losing weight on my own. It wasn’t possible since I had gotten so bad. My only option at this point was to get surgery (or so I thought). There is no other way. My sister had it done 5 years prior to that point and she still looked great! I went through the whole process. I went to Massachusetts General Hospital, attended the support meetings and informational sessions, met with the nutritionist, the psychologist, and even the surgeon... I made it all the way to talking to the financial consultant to determine medical insurance vs. out of pocket cost. She told me that I wasn’t fat enough for the surgery. Apparently you had to have a certain BMI, and I was short by maybe 2 or 3 points? I was heart broken. I would never be able to lose weight on my own. I’d have to be fat forever. So what did I do? I decided I’d eat more to get up to the right BMI and get the surgery done anyway. If that’s not messed up...
Again I ate and drank and had a grand old time. On weekends, I would go out to eat dinner, drink with my buddies, then call Dominoes to order a large pepperoni pizza and cheesy bread (don’t forget the garlic sauce!). I’d eat the entire bread box and half the pizza on my own. Which I’d usually finish for breakfast the next day. Weekdays I’d have Dunkin’ for breakfast, pizza or chipotle for lunch, and 15 wings and fries for dinner or KFC. Plus something for dessert of course. It was a disgusting routine.
A couple years later after I gained enough weight plus some, well turns out I got a different job with a different insurance. I no longer felt like bothering to do that whole process over again.
I was at the Boston Marathon during the bombings in 2013. I worked at BU, and they provided grief counselors for us which was incredible. I remember talking to the woman and telling her about the guilt I felt that day for not doing more to help.. and somehow we got on the topic of my weight. And I gave her one of my old excuses, “I’m just so lazy.” She turned around and said, “You are working a full time job and got a promotion all while taking extra classes to apply to grad school? You don’t sound lazy to me.”
Now, that comment didn’t fully sink in until a year later. Out of no where it popped in my head after I failed yet ANOTHER diet. I wasn’t a lazy person. I was only lazy when it came to my health and eating habits. Once that sunk in, I snapped. I realized if I could be motivated in other aspects of my life, I could be motivated to improve my health.
Oddly enough I discovered LoseIt shortly thereafter. I read about people like me who had struggled their whole lives, who also had ridiculously unhealthy relationships with food. And they lost weight. Lots of weight. Suddenly, things were in motion and I felt like there was a way to gain control over my life again.
Long story short (because this has been so damn long already lol), I lost almost 80 pounds. I was the happiest I had ever been.
I met my (now) fiancé in March of 2017. He is one of the most incredible, compassionate, loving human being I have ever met. I got comfortable with him, and unfortunately gained back everything save for 8 pounds... I was so happy to have found someone who treated me like I deserved to be treated, I didn’t care. I was (and still am) so unbelievably in love.
September 2018, he proposed. It was amazing, he took us to where our first date was, proposed, then both our families and a few friends showed up (I had no idea!!). We took a bunch of pictures... that’s when I saw myself in the long skirt and was mortified. I couldn’t get married looking like THAT! I’d look awful in a wedding dress.
I set a goal to be 199 by the wedding. Our wedding is October 12 (less than 3 months). I am now 206!!! So far, I have lost 50 pounds since September 2018. And I did not diet straight through... I took some time off in order to take it slow this time. And I will most definitely lose the rest of the weight in the next month.
I’m not done, I’d like to continue losing weight even after the wedding and get down to maybe 180. Additionally, I’ve realized I most likely will never be done dealing with my weight and food issues. I unfortunately will probably always struggle with my weight. But I am better equipped to handle it now. If/when I mess up again, I know how to get back on track. Hopefully that will never happen again, but if it does, I won’t beat myself up and hate myself for it. That doesn’t do anyone any good.
All we can do is try our best and set our mind to it taking it one step at a time.
Feel free to ask me any questions!! I love helping people on their weight loss journeys since so many people helped me on mine. Some didn’t even know it... referring to those who post in this sub 😂.
